There were intrinsic values I knew I had to be a good mother. I dreamed of baby names, baby outfits, baby everything. I knew I was fit and ready to be a mother and so when I got the two lines on my pregnancy test, I was almost certain my stars had aligned. I was however unfortunately broken soon after. As I was told there was no heartbeat, the uncertainty became terror. My tears as my doctor spoke of the miscarriage procedure and her handing me a tissue made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of telling my parents emotionally bruised me. My heart broke a little, looking at my husband’s sadness and then, I questioned my identity and dreams of wanting to be a mother. The negative thoughts came in hard, and the emotions were dark.
The triggers remained raw and hurtful. We quickly learned that besides our loss, what was most difficult to deal with was the lack of awareness and knowledge people had about miscarriages and pregnancy losses. The judgment, the lack of empathy, the burying under the carpet, the unspoken sympathy, and shame associated with miscarriages, are predominant reasons our loss and emotions of grief were perpetuated.
One of the worst things said to me by a radiologist was, ‘’oh you can wait for a heartbeat, but your child will be disabled’’. One of the worst things a close friend said to me was, ‘’ oh don’t tell people, keep this a secret so it won’t happen again’’. One of the worst things a doctor said to me was, ‘’oh lose weight and look better for your husband’’. One of the worst things a family member said to me was, ‘’oh this is your karma, you did this’’.
After processing, understanding, learning medical information and meticulously researching technical jargon, analyzing and working very hard about being a warrior for all of this with my husband’s full support, there were then multiple losses where we felt we were at war. We were vulnerable, tired and deep sorrow swallowed us at times, but reliable and valid clinical information, faith and taking back my autonomy and identity kept us hopeful. This subsided the pain and we keep hope as a priority sentiment.
The memories of the insensitive statements, the physiological pain, the monthly wait, the medication, the hospital visits, the clinical complications, the cultural expectations of being a mother and being asked when you will give birth, all continue to trigger us at times.
However, as a couple, we are becoming desensitized to this as we remain optimistic, every day. We have beautiful family, friends and doctors who are supportive and we understand that miscarriages are common. Losses happen.
There’s a science behind it and too many people suffer in silence. I went a little off-track, however have decided to continue to define myself as a character who has the qualities to be a good mother.
