4 years back, when I was pregnant with my first child, I decided that I will never hit my child. I had decided I would parent her differently than how I was raised. I would not make her scared of me. I would give her an environment where she could grow and be herself. But I had no idea how to do it. When I gave birth to my baby girl, I was as naïve as a child. Completely ignorant of how to raise a baby. To add to the trouble, I had to move to Australia for further studies with my husband. We were both scared, excited, and looking forward to the uncertainty. A few months into motherhood, I thought I was doing well and things seemed normal.
As my child was growing, I encountered many new changes in her. My child could sometimes scream to the top of her lungs, scaring the whole supermarket. Sometimes she would ask for something and freeze until she got what she wanted. Other times, she would not listen to me, bite, or hit others. Such behavior slowly started to make me feel frustrated and angry and also embarrassed at times. I resorted to giving her timeouts and sometimes scolding and even hitting. After each episode, I would regret it and feel worse about myself- this cycle kept persisting.
In Australia, I met a relative who showed me a whole new style of parenting. She was a mother of three. I experienced all those aspects of parenting that I had imagined but never seen in my lifetime. She was natural with her children and very gentle and calm with them. Although there were times when the children’s behavior pushed some buttons, she remained peaceful and composed.
That was a turning point for me as a parent. Seeing her, I purposely changed my ways of parenting, from being triggered by every bad behavior to being more empathetic.
From being strict to leaving her free to explore but still setting limits. From being dismissive of her emotional state to being aware and giving her support, and from being worried about her future to being present and being with her here and now.
I intentionally made some changes in my attitude. Now, I am a mother of two children, I have taken many courses regarding parenting, and read several books and research articles yet I still get triggered and get angry at both of them. I try not to be harsh to myself, I just close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and continue on the beautiful journey of parenthood with my lovely children.
Suira Joshi is a mental health professional, certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator and a mother of two. She believes children are so pure and true at heart, letting them be children and treating them as an individual is what we need to do as caregivers.”
