Un-glorifying motherhood

‘Can I slap you, Mamma?’, asked my daughter out of nowhere. I shuddered. How did that thought even occur to her? It took me less than a minute to figure it out – she got it from me.

My daughter is at that age where throwing tantrums is an everyday thing, and where she cannot be bothered to do things expected of her. She is only exploring herself and her surroundings. But even when she does things that are completely normal for kids her age, it sometimes gets on my nerves. I get angry when she asks for my attention as I try to meet a work deadline. Maybe it is because of the exhaustion of trying to balance home and work, and the struggle to keep things calm. In these vulnerable moments, my understanding of right and wrong is blurred.

Understanding kids

I have read many articles on handling kids’ behaviours, and thought that I’d learnt enough to be a good parent. Yet when my daughter has a fit of cries and shouts, I have held her wrists a bit too tightly and pushed her away a bit too roughly. I have gone even as far as slapping her hard. After my momentary burst of anger calms down, I get down to soothing my wailing daughter. The articles don’t help in these moments. ‘Use your motherly instincts,’ I tell myself, only to realize I don’t have any.

Taking a leap into motherhood is nothing short of a complete transformation. It takes a willingness to accept so many changes – from bodily changes to emotional conundrums.

 

And it demands patience, a lot of it, not only to understand your child but to understand yourself too. Raising my daughter has been a journey of so many firsts for both me and my husband as first-time parents. Management has been key to almost everything – time management, work management, household chores management. Management alone, however, does not always guarantee a rosy life. There are days when things go haywire and I am left with confusion, as well as guilt for doing things wrong. In these moments, I feel incompetent.

Understanding mothers

Mothers are seen as angelic creatures – soft-hearted, caring, and all-knowing. They think of their children’s well-being all the time, and sacrifice their own in the process. This sacrificial role of a mother is glorified, and society puts her up on a pedestal.

This is the benchmark against which all mothers are judged. A mother to a newborn is expected to calm her child in seconds, breastfeed without flinching, and change her entire lifestyle instantly. A mother is expected to know exactly why her child is running like a tornado, or why her child isn’t eating vegetables. But there are times when she doesn’t have an answer. 

It is only after becoming a mother myself that I realized the variety of things mothers are expected to do and know. Raising a human obviously requires effort and dedication. But in all of this, the role of the father is diminished. There are many fathers who take on a good share of childcare. However, in most cases, it is the mother who takes on a larger share of the ‘mental load’ of parenting. Like solving a complex puzzle, her mind is constantly filled with things to do – dresses to arrange for her kid’s school program, the lost pair of socks, the next dose of vaccination, and so on.

On top of everything, fathers expect mothers to tell them what to do to help. It is this mental load that takes a toll on mothers.

There are many articles on the issue of mental load, and how both the parents can share it more equally. But more than anything, it requires fathers to become more engaged in parenthood and stop being onlookers. I have seen how we dismiss the nurturing qualities of fathers. This distances fathers from the journey of parenthood and keeps mothers on the run. All of this makes mothers infuriated, jealous of their partners, and anxious to escape from responsibilities. So much for our saint-like vision of mothers!

Becoming a mother

Lately, there has been much-needed discussion and sharing of stories from mothers in Nepal on social media. This has shed light on some of the never discussed aspects of motherhood. Knowing about the struggles of other mothers gives me some solace. This is one step in the long journey to adequately support mothers. Fathers and families play a huge part in this. As mothers, we need help in every way possible.

While we deserve a pat on the shoulder, we also seek a shoulder to lean on. And we need mini-breaks from responsibilities. As selfish as this may sound, a small getaway from kids and responsibilities works wonders for mothers to regain their composure and strength.

These things might seem unmanageable and unnecessary, but this is where the role of fathers becomes important.

In the month it took for me to complete this article, I went through various emotions – from anger to sadness, as well as feeling selfish and clueless at times. There have also been days when I saw my kids’ happy faces and felt confident in myself. Even as I write this, I can tell that my daughter is about to have another crying episode for reasons known only to God. And my son might crawl into something and cry. I may shush and calm them, or raise my voice a decibel higher, or let their father do the job. I don’t know. I will never know because I have realized that I can never become that glorified version of a mother. And in all honesty, even with all my failures, just keeping my feet on the ground with two kids is my own version of glorious motherhood.